And I Will Try to Fix You (But Maybe You Shouldn’t)
Pardon the somewhat cheesy Coldplay title, but it’s simply too apropos for the topic at hand. Today, I want to briefly talk about the VERY fine line between supporting people, and trying to fix them. I would argue that this concept, while subtle, has the potential to bring about more pain than is possibly imaginable. There’s a certain type of person that wears his heart on his sleeve, he loves hard, he feels hard, and he sees the good in everyone. Those people have a challenge that awaits them. The challenge is the harsh realization that many people are not ready to solve their own problems. They will take everything you have…your money, your time, your prized possessions, the best years of your life and worse if you can imagine that UNTIL and UNLESS, they decide that they are ready to solve their own problems.
There’s two important ideas here. The first is recognizing that you CAN have friendships and relationships with people who don’t want to solve some of their own problems. And frankly, sometimes we’re ALL that person. The ultimate truth is that in order to solve many of our problems, we need to make changes and become a person that can solve that problem. That takes work. Sometimes, we don’t like work and that’s ok. The difficulty is when we have a partner or friend who sees us struggling with something and wants to help. Many times, if we’re talking about one of our lovely sensitive types noted above, they jump all the way in. They are ready to go and will go out of their own way to help, do things at their own expense, absorb the shock, and take the punches. The difficulty is, the problem still won’t get solved….because, and get ready for this, they don’t want to solve it because they’re not ready to! So when we play that tape forward, all that we have is a miserable little lover with a partner or friend that hasn’t done shit to dig themselves out of the hole they’re in and we are VERY frustrated at this point.
OK cool, Greg, thanks a heap for all the doom and gloom. How am I supposed to fix this? You fix it by setting VERY clear boundaries. For those of you into mathematics, the true formula between trying to fix someone and supporting them is boundaries. To notate it like a nerd:
Supporting - Fixing = Boundaries.
If someone comes to you with a problem and they want help, the first thing you need to do is make it abundantly, deeply, painfully clear that you will not solve this problem for them. If we want to get a little cosmic with me, I will explain why (I think, at least). The universe is deeply wise, and the fact is, all problems have a unique currency to solve them. The universe or God or god or whatever you want to call it, demands that your friend perform certain uncomfortable and challenging actions to solve them. It’s cute that you want to do it for them, but it’s not your journey, so you need to leave it alone.
Supporting someone with healthy boundaries looks like encouragement, listening when someone needs to vent (within reason), reminding people of the big picture and recommending resources for people to get help (therapy, counseling, rehab, tutoring, whatever!). Fixing someone looks like doing things for other people when you should be doing your own shit. For example, let’s say you’re a student and a fellow classmate is really struggling in a course you’re taking because, well, they’re lazy. They don’t do the work, nor do they pay attention in class, but they persistently ask to see your notes and cheat off you. The best thing you can possibly do for that person is to offer genuine help to learn the material (if you don’t mind and have the time), and if they do not want the help, then the best thing for them is to fail that class. Perhaps that sounds like the opposite of compassion to you. But I assure, it is not. Compassion is not just giving out favors, it’s loving someone enough to know that you’re not doing them a favor.
