Keep Your Eyes on Your Own Damn Paper
When we’re young, most of us mature at a relatively similar space. We learn lessons together in classrooms and have experiences with our families and friends that allow us to grow as time slowly ticks by. However, as the process of adulthood occurs, our progress becomes more and more likely to take different twists or turns depending on what life has in store for us. It is around this time that we may notice some people we care about falling in love before us, getting their dream job before us, gaining heightened senses of stability, or any other highly sought after life goal.
When we begin lining up our achievements and evaluating our successes and failures as if life is a completely even playing field, we make a grave mistake that can leave us stressed and bitter. The fact is, the playing field of life is far from even. In my mid-20s, I can recall distinctly that many of the women I was close with were getting engaged. For some reason (and I’m not even remotely proud of this), this inspired a certain level of anger and bitterness in me. At the time, I had just gone through a breakup and I simply was in no place to be exchanging nuptuals with anyone, anytime soon. In that moment, there was a distinct sensation of being left behind. My friends would have their special someone and I would be left alone as the single person in pictures that stood out.
But upon further examination, the idea that each of us needs to have a similar chronological timeline for when we hit milestones borders on absurd. In fact, the joy of each of our lives comes with moving through the challenges presented to us. Just because many people happen to hit some of these milestones at certain times should not dictate negative feelings about our own progress. The experience of coming out as a gay man, learning to date, and learning to be comfortable in my own skin was simply different from many of my own peers. There was a lot of deep shame and guilt that needed to be shed, and a lot of immaturity that I had digested along the way as well.
The concept of self-comparison is one of the rules in Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules For Life. Despite some of the media’s incessant desire to smear Dr. Peterson, this book is highly apolitical and one of the absolute sage pieces of wisdom is contained in the chapter he entitles “Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today.” I remember reading this and my heart jumped because it was so profound for me. The only person whose path we need to be concerned with is our own. Are you setting goals? Are you being intentional? Are you getting where you want to go? Are you getting better than you were yesterday? These are the things that matter. We are all playing the hand we’re dealt and acting like those are the same is unhelpful as we progress on our journey as the hero in our own story.
One added hiccup that complicates that deluge of negative feelings that can be thrown our way in our painfully modern world is…you guessed it, social media. The social media platforms have this pesky way of knowing just the right thing to show us that will send us into a tail spin. Now, the algorithm doesn’t *know* it’s doing this. It simply knows that the photo or post is gaining engagement (since they make money off your attention). But the fact is, when you’re feeling like you’re hitting a bump in the road, the absolute worst thing you can see is everyone’s perfectly edited life on instagram. One lesson that I have learned when I’m going through a hard time, or even if I’m just in a bad mood at the moment, is to immediately get off social media. Do not pass “Go,” do not collect $200, just delete it. You’ll thank me later. The constant tugging on our nervous system with images that may make us feel worse is just not what is needed when we are trying to re-balance.
As noted in the title, when we’re tending to compare ourselves to other people, the best thing we can do is keep our eyes on our own paper. We need to be doing what is best for us today, not what is best for someone else. We all have limited energy, so we should spend it learning to accept our own challenges, push ourselves and achieve our own growth. Nothing on social media is fully real, but you giving yourself the love you deserve to grow in your own unique way is the most real thing that you can gift to the world.
❤
