Getting What You Want Often Means Saying “No”
So much of life is about creating space. As we grow older, our responsibilities often expand and we only have limited time to socialize or cultivate new experiences for ourselves. There is a trope that exists within society through popular culture that suggests that being a “yes man” might lead to this. And at first glance, the thought appears logical. It seems like if you say “yes” to more things, your opportunities and experiences will expand and your life will be enriched. In my experience, this is simply not the case.
As I’ve stepped into adulthood, I’ve realized that the best way to achieve the things that I desire is to simply say “no” to people when I mean it. As a younger man, I developed a deep habit (nearly a reflex) that told me to say “yes” to people even when it wasn’t convenient or I didn’t really want to do what was being asked of me. I think we’ve developed a culture around people pleasing where we want to make the people around us happy, but we do so at our own expense. This deep seated habit genuinely cost me a lot of joy. It often built resentment when I found myself doing things that I didn’t want to be doing or wasting my time with people I didn’t even really like. I had to learn to start saying “no.”
“No” is a bit more uncomfortable. “No” can take people back because they’re not expecting to hear it. They’re expecting a “maybe” which will turn into a “no” later on Facebook but they were never coming to the event anyway. In my estimation, the moment of discomfort is worth it. When you reject things you don’t want to do, I have a sneaking suspicion that you will find the universe starting to reward you by providing you with the tools that you need to get the things that you do want to say “yes” to.
Beyond this, saying “no” ALWAYS means saying “yes” to something else. If you say no to going to a party full of people you can’t stand anymore but feel like you should go to because they’re “old friends” or whatever story you tell yourself, do you know what you said “yes” to? It’s actually two things. The first is that you’ve said “yes” to using that time for something you’d rather do (obviously). But the second, is more profound. You’ve said “yes” to inner peace. You’ve said “yes” to the voice inside you that doesn’t want to be around those people and will be in torment the whole time, which could lead to regrettable decisions to try to cope with those emotions.
“No” might sting for people to hear sometimes. But the fact is, that’s something our culture has cultivated and it’s really not your problem. Say it when you mean it and not when you don’t. Be honest with yourself and create the space that you deserve to pursue the things that you are called to.
